I’m looking to scale down my life. In a lot of ways. Because the more I scale down the more I can actually achieve. My mind stays busy with all sorts of nonsense. One of those being: weight. And my weight, my body, has always been a conversation piece. Sadly.
It also has always been a very normal body though it does more than most women I know. It has birthed 4 children, at home, without intervention save the loving care of a midwife. It kept me strong when I took in my sister and her 5 kids to help rehabilitate them. It held it together when my marriage unravelled. It helped me crawl out of depression when I learned to scale limestone walls on a nothing more than a rope. It helped me succeed, to the highest standards, as I redefined my life through classical ballet teacher training. And then it carried me through a tragic and traumatic divorce, which turned my life – and my children’s lives – upside down. It is strong. It is capable. It is sound.
But it’s also that of a woman’s body. I’m not a little girl anymore who bounces back from the stress of life. Adaptations to new stressors – emotional and physical – have created a nurturing environment for self. One thing the body does during times of stress is pack on the pounds. It’s a basal response to self-preservation. Thank you, body, for preserving me.
It’s time to move on.
So 2 weeks ago I quit eating sugar, dairy, and wheat. Not for the sole purpose of weight loss, but as a means to help clean up a lot of other issues going on. I have aches, pains, injuries that won’t heal, chronic virus infections that won’t go away, undiagnosable “pain” that is real but doesn’t show up in scans of any kind. And this has been going on long since before the divorce. It is, I believe, 100% related to my very liberal Standard American Diet and of course my love for deep fried everything. HAHA
You would think that after two weeks, and absolutely no cheating, and following a strict Ketogenic diet, that things would start to happen. But alas, when I stepped on the scale yesterday, not a single pound has disappeared. It was kinda disappointing. I miss my “real” figure as I refer to my self as I was before the divorce. In which I could grab clothes off the rack, not even bother trying them on, and everything fit fine. That’s really what it comes down to for me: can I go shopping for fun or is it a chore? You laugh, but most woman silently agree.
I used to be a size 2. I used to get a lot of compliments on my figure. What no one knew, was at the time, and for the duration of that period of life, I was on heavy medication and I wasn’t eating. At all. Maybe a morsel every couple of days. Medication == anorectic side effects. And I didn’t object. What I did do, was weigh myself every single day. And develop a strange view of self. When I got smaller than a size 2, and every vertebrae in my spine was showing, and my arms were as small as twigs, my ballet teacher complimented me on my weightloss efforts. I had started ballet teacher training a size 10. I ended it a size 2. I remember going home, weighing myself, and crying.
And going to the Dr. the next day, coming off the meds, and stabilizing my weight around 130lbs. I felt strong. I felt healthy. I felt just fine.
Fast-forward to the past two weeks. Since changing my diet, I’ve been obsessing over the scale. I have weighed myself every single day for two weeks. I have been disappointed every single day for two weeks. Regardless of how awesome I’m doing at this new dietary change. Regardless of how much better I feel overall. Regardless of progress I’m making at the gym. Regardless of the fact that all my clothes fit better. The puffy circles under my eyes are gone. The water bloat is gone. I’m associating defeat with this lifestyle everytime I step on the scale.
It’s a mind game.
So I threw the scale away today. My weight is not my self worth. The scale is as toxic as the sugar I was consuming. I’m decluttering my life. And that includes my Self. I encourage you to do the same. I’m now free to go forward without self-hate. Which is basically what all that boils down to.