Sunday was a long, hard, day. I should have gone to bed after the first minor anxiety attack Sunday afternoon, but I didn’t. I went shopping instead. I found some cute clothes and that was fun! But then later that evening, right before going to bed, I had another anxiety attack and this time I didn’t hold back – I just let all the stress process out of my body – but it drained me. They can just be very draining. Ask my Mom – she took me to dinner and I didn’t just feel exhausted – it was obvious to everyone that I was totally drained. I barely made it to bed before falling apart.
I think the stress of everything that was going on the whole weekend just compounded and finally I had to just let it all work itself out. It was not just ballet. There were other things going on that I’m not going to blog about that added to my anxiety and stress. And I am just not good with holding stress in and I don’t always know how to process it in a healthy way. So sometimes it bottles up and then I just kind of explode. So, like my teacher/examiner/friend Renata said, everyone just has to remember to stand back when that happens and clear out. And that’s exactly what I needed – just space to work through some feelings.
The inside of my dark closet worked quite nicely. I’m so glad that God is so loving and that even in those moments when you don’t want anyone else to hear what you are ranting about – He is there… listening…. and He is just … THERE. He doesn’t require you to explain yourself. You don’t have to worry that what you say will hurt His feelings or offend Him. You know that HE knows that He is bigger than your pain or your confusion or whatever. He doesn’t want you to “pull it together” or “pull up your socks”. He’s just there – and He’s OK with that. He’s your DAD….and it was Father’s Day – so really, I guess in a way, it was appropriate. 🙂
The exam was stressful. Dealing with other dance teachers is stressful. Being compared to other dancers is stressful. Ballet is so competitive. It’s cut-throat even though in the most “non-competitive” environments… it’s still competitive. Who’s the best at this or that and can you perfect your technique or style or quality to match hers? It’s not enough that YOU are asking yourself these questions all the time – but it’s another when someone else is reminding you, constantly, of all the areas in which you could improve by … just watching her … or following her timing…. or having her experience…. or whatever. It’s hard to maintain your own sense of credibility. It’s also hard being the youngest teacher in sea of experienced, well trained, solid teachers – some who have extensive professional dancing careers. Others have extensive scholastic training. And you’re at the bottom of the totem pole.
I suppose it’s good for the character building – but it’s not good for the nervous system.
So today, Monday, I didn’t do much in the way of being on the computer. It’s Tuesday morning now – about 1:40am. But Monday I dropped the kids off at VBS, came home and chopped down 4 bushes in the yard that were driving me nuts, and then basically slept all afternoon. I just had to do something physically exhausting. I still needed to work out some of the stress and a little physical labor can do wonders for the nervous system.
I just thought I’d let you all know what’s going on. I’m OK now and probably will resume some Walston Family Nonsense posts tomorrow – but I just couldn’t do it today. It was just too long of a day. Sunday and Monday were too long to worry about being creative with a blog post….