This came along in a MySpace Bulletin – it was SO FUNNY and SO TRUE that I had to post. As a Public Service Announcement!!
>> >How to drive in San Antonio<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is: “San Tone” or San Anto. There are other names to learn such as Bexar (Bear) but those will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 1604, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered “wimpy.”
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. San Antonio has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However; SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in San Antonio. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, rattlesnakes, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you could be shot.
11. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
12. True San Antonians ALWAYS seek to park in a shady spot, even before the sun has risen, and no matter how far the parking space is from the office/store/restaurant. This is why you will see cars widely scattered around a parking lot instead of clustered in one place; these people arrived early to park in covered spaces or under trees.
13. If the driver stopped in front of you at a red light suddenly opens his passenger door, it is advisable to quickly avert your eyes before he vomits…. after all, San Antonio is the drunkest city in America. (How do you think we deal with the heat so well? …. lots of booze!! )
14. Last but for sure not least, when you are heading East on I-10 from Boerne you are actually heading South on an interstate that goes East & West? Go figure . .