I was just thinking today about being lonely on that sometimes very lonely straight and narrow path. And how my perceived loneliness is only a byproduct of my minuscule faith. Because I’m not truly alone. I have the God who created this entire universe at my disposal! Anytime I choose I can be in communication with Him, building a relationship with Him, learning to give it all to Him ALL the time. So why do I feel so…alone?
Someone once told me I was a codependant type person and that I should be more self-assertive. But you know, I believe that is how God created us to be – codependent. I don’t believe God wants us asserting our own will over everyone else! Even Adam – who had THE MOST PERFECT relationship with God….was lonely. He looked around the Garden and saw that he had no one like him to share his physical space – to talk with, laugh with, cry with. And he asked God for more. More than God had already blessed him with! How audacious of him, right? And then I think…well…maybe God allowed him to experience loneliness like that so he would appreciate the gift of the woman God had already planned to create for him. And how wonderful that God was loving enough to give Adam that which He knew Adam needed, and which Adam longed for. Even if He made Adam wait. A few days, but still, he had to wait.
That’s how I feel right now. Lonely. And waiting. For God to move and do His thing. And you’d think with how busy we stay that I wouldn’t feel a pang of loneliness, but it’s there. I miss my family. I miss the life I knew before… Even if it was a life lived in total denial about my marriage and complete spiritual oppression. I still miss it. There was stability and safety in that life I had created for myself. There were good things about my life then, even if then it was hard and trying and difficult – I always thought I’d persevere and come out of it with this sort of “home schooling ideal” life that I had contrived in my mind as being the ONLY truly Godly way to live in the 21st century.
But God had a different plan all together. He let me get real independent in my codependency and then pulled the rug out from under my feet. (Independent from Him in my codependency with other people/idealism’s, etc.)
Someone asked me if I was angry with God for where my life is now and I have to say No. No I’m not. I really do believe that God will work all things out, according to HIS plan, and that He has good in store for me, not bad, and that everything we go through, as Christians, and even before Christians, is so that His will is revealed through the end of time and so that we are refined through the “refiners fire”. I don’t see God as being one to sit up there and pull the puppet strings just so that I can fall flat on my behind and He can have a good chuckle about it. I know God does have a funny sense of humor that I can relate to at times – He seems to really enjoy when He can be ironic or satirical. But He doesn’t present us a challenge that we can’t handle. Sometimes, like others, I wonder…and think…and consider that perhaps God thinks more of me than I think of myself – because some of this stuff I’m juggling… well I just really feel inadequate!
I guess what I’m most upset with, in relation to God, is the fact that I threw away so many years studying theology instead of investing in time with God. And that’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. I don’t think that would change anything as far as where I am today – I think I’d still be going through the same trials I am going through today – I just think my perspective would be a little different, my hope maybe a little more solidified and my feeling of loneliness not quite so strong – because I would have spent all those years building a real relationship with God vs. ignoring Him in pursuit of theological discourses.