I just found out that a good friend is pregnant. I was so excited to find out she was expecting. I was literally beaming – ear to ear. So happy for them!! A few weeks ago I found out that my best friend was expecting again! I was equally excited for them. Thrilled for them! So happy for them!!
I am (generally) always happy when I find out other people are expecting. Children are a blessing. God’s gifts to us! They are precious in His sight!
But there’s a disconnect. Why does the thought of me being pregnant again and having another baby to care for scare the crap out of me? I have a true physical reaction to the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and raising another child. Why is that?
When my sister’s most recent baby was a brand new newborn, I was standing in her kitchen holding him and cooing at him and thinking, “Oh this isn’t so bad…I could do this…” and RIGHT at that moment…Amory started screaming at James who started yelling at Emma who threw something to Hannah who ran out of the room which scared Claire and she started pulling on my legs and Mandy was on the phone and the newborn began to root …wanting to nurse….it was ALL ME…right there…being attacked by 6 children under the age of4. I remember shaking my head no and handing the baby to my sister and literally walking out of the room saying, “Oh no…not going there again…”
I used to hold other people’s babies and my heart would melt – now I hold them out of a true desire to serve others. I know they need help and I have empty hands these days – my babies don’t really need me to hold them all that much. So I am always offering my empty arms to help out my friends who do have lots of little ones. And I LOVE helping. But I have to say, I equally love handing the babies back.
I know our decision to stop having children has been judged harshly by our “Christian Friends” who see us as “lesser Christians” , “weaker brothers and sisters” not as “mature” and there is an unmistakable lack of respect towards us – some “brethren” will actually look down their nose at us when we say we are “DONE” having babies! And it hurts, no matter how subtle their disdain is, it still hurts.
I think this one aspect of my life has really enabled me to understand why I am in no position to make blanket judgements about how other Christians work out their walk with Christ. Who am I to judge when I don’t know the WHOLE STORY?
Someone once said, “There are TWO sides to every story…and each side holds a little bit of truth…” as she was trying to defend her right to make a judgement regarding a situation she was not directly involved in. I cut her off and said, “You know, there are not actually 2 sides of truth to every issue. There’s ONE TRUTH and the only one who really knows that truth is God because He’s the ONLY ONE who can see the whole picture and the ONLY ONE who knows who is right and who is wrong. WE are infinitely human and therefore can not see Truth the way God sees it. Therefore, in my opinion, we have no right making 99% of the judgements we do. Because we are not God. Therefore, we have no basis for our judgement.”
And that is really the theme I’ve been operating off lately. Maybe I haven’t been consistent in all my relationships and situations. But it’s the undercurrent. I don’t want to make judgements anymore. I just want God to reveal to me the Truth He knows I can handle and the wisdom to use that Truth to glorify Him.
What does that have to do with babies??
You know, if they gave Pulitzer Prizes for Rambling and “Train of Consciousness” writing skills…I think I’d definitely win.