It’s 1:12am
I can’t sleep
I’m not really tired
But I really want to sleep
I have a headache
I was having hunger pains – but a quick raid fixed that
Advil is next
But my brain won’t stop working
It’s causing restless turnings in the bed
My wiggling woke Hannah up – she was curled up around me
Royce said hello to me in his sleep
Funny
A million thoughts run through my mind
I stop and think of simpler times
Running around the beach in my crotched bikini
Sitting under the grape vines with my Grampa
Eating red bell peppers straight off their vine with my Gramma
Chewable tablets to ward off the chiggers
illegal aliens saving my life
Karen saying “BOO”
Returning to the present…
I think of how I’ve failed Hannah
I wonder what Adri thinks about his life
I hope that underneath it all Ean’s truly happy
And how Claire makes my heart leap
A thousand pounds of weight lifts off my shoulders
Everytime I remind myself there will be no more babies
And then a solemn moment – realizing…there will be no more babies
I turn and look at it’s only been 2 minutes
All those thoughts in 2 minutes
I think of simpler times
Or rather when I was simply unaware of the danger I was in
Slipping out bedroom windows and crawling back in them during wee hours of the night
Camping in the backyard
Roaming our neighborhoods at 2am whilst our parents slept
Playing on the CB with truckers
GLTB clubs – and having fun – even if I didn’t know what GLTB meant
Laughing my rear off when I realized I’d been hanging out at a gay club
Saying “no thanks” to the joint that was being passed around the room
Finally giving in to my curiosity
And then wondering how THAT could have been more important to my Dad than me…and George..and Mandy….and Mom….
Realization
That Christ was with me all along
That God preserved me for HIS purpose
That all things in my life DID work together for Good
understanding Election
Understanding Preservation of the Saints
Understanding Daily Sanctification
Understanding Total Depravity
Understanding John 3:16
Loving it all more when I didn’t know the terminology
That all things will continue to work together for Good
Christ is before me, behind me, above me, beneath me, to my Left to my Right
Is He?
Really?
Sometimes it’s hard for my neurotic brain to remember
My spirit does not forget though
My wretched heart does
My tongue does
Expecting more of Christians when it isn’t mine to expect
Lowering my standards
And then again
Resting in Grace
Entrusting the children to God
Trusting HE will turn it all out for Good
But still wanting it in my own time
That’s the flesh
That’s what has to die
Wanting a different life
But not wanting this one to end
1:32
it’s 1:32am
i’m completely rambling
it’s time for advil and prayer
for all the reasons above